Your Civic Doody.

Introducing: DEATH-PAC

This health care debate is getting a little murky, n'cest pas?  I'm through with comedy.  It's time to give back, folks.

That's why I've created my very first Political Aciton Committe:  DEATH-PAC.  We're a non-profit organization dedicated to preserving the rights of for-profit organizations.

Visit our website.

Download The DEATH-PAC Info Sheet

(Video) Aemilia in a Music Video on the LOGO Network.

Here I am in a new music video by hot Pacific Northwest rock group, Logan Lynn.  It was filmed at Touche, a leather bar in Edgewater, Chicago.

The song is called, "Bottom Your Way To The Top," and if this doesn't get me into Gay Heaven, nothing will.

NB:  The vid premiered on LOGO network, and then was promptly picked up by Spike TV.  Yep.  You can see this video on two places in the world:  LOGO, and Spike TV.  Interestingly enough, at back bar where it was filmed, there were two things playing on the screens behind the bar:  ultimate fighting on Spike TV, and hardcore gay pornography.  

Enjoy!

VIDEO -- That Was Awkward.

Yikes.  Who Knew.

Produced by Warehouse Factory.

8 Tips To Speed Up Your iPhone, Or: Fuck You Very Much, Apple.

So my iPhone is behaving like a special needs baby.  I know:  callous.  Offensive even.  But when you see the following list of what I laughingly call "tips" to speed up a sluggish iPhone, you'll understand why.  This list of 8 has been batted around the internet quite a bit.

Speed Up Your iPhone: 8 Tips & Tricks

• Leave free space. Leaving around 750MB of free space allows the iPhone to create more virtual memory.
• Less Email! Email downloading in the background is the number one cause of my iPhone slowness. Under settings you’ll be able to show less recent message.
• Get email less often. Uhh, What? It makes sense in terms of performance, but not to the email enthusiast. Checking for mail every 5 minutes will slow down your phone’s performance. Try using something longer – hourly or manually will greatly improve the performance of your phone for you email junkies.
• Delete old text messages (SMS).
• Apps Apps Apps! The more apps = the more screen rendering. Remove your unused apps.
• Clear Safari’s cache. You can do so under settings > safari > clear cache.
• Turn off Bluetooth and or WiFi. This can also help improve battery performance.
• If all else fails, try doing a reboot. Hold both buttons for a few seconds.

This is why I call the iPhone a special needs cellular device.  Because in order to interact with it, we are required by Apple to use it below its full potential; we must treat it like a tiny, flightless baby bird. In reality, all iPhone wants is for people to interact with it the way we'd interact with a normal phone.  It just wants to be treated equally. But no, Papa Apple says treat it special. Problem with speed? Don't fill the hard drive! Don't use Bluetooth! Don't us email! Don't use Safari! Don't run two apps at once!  DO NOT STRESS IPHONE OUT!

If someone sold you a four-slot toaster that didn't work, and you asked a toaster expert what was wrong, and the toaster expert said, "Hmm.  Maybe you should try only using two slots," you'd drown him in your bathtub.  Let's not let Apple pretend that these are rational responses to a technical problem.  The answer is that Apple can't keep up with the demand for speed.  But obviously, in this situation honesty not the best monetary policy.

So fuck you, Apple.  Fuck you very much.  And please take this 400 dollars for your next phone.

Martha Stewart Rap

A classic from my days at Q101 FM.  Martha Stewart learns a little something from her friends in the hip hop community.

Martha Stewart Drops Knowledge

Oh no, the Obamas are *that* family.

From the Huffington Post on November 1:

President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama on Saturday doled out... dried fruit mixes to more than 2,000 trick-or-treaters.

 I distinctly remember Trick-or-Treating on my block, and dreading to go past *that* house.  The white house is *that* House.  The house where you'd get Fruit Leather instead of Butterfingers.  The house where you'd get raisins instead of Goobers.  The house where you'd get a fucking toothbrush instead of... No, I can't continue this parallel construction.  There is nothing that a toothbrush is like that reminds me of halloween.  Halloween is the opposite of toothbrush.

And this is coming from me, someone who has in her adult life had fruit leather more recently than Butterfingers.  My parents gave me fruit leather in my lunches.  I love Fruit Leather.  It's just that, Halloween is like Saturnalia for hippie kids.  One day a year you get to go from house to house and collect contraband, and take it back into your house, and for one week you have immunity against candy self-incrimination.

And yet, the Obamas handing out dried fruit really makes me feel like this country is headed in the right direction.  That is what's best for us.  Now is not the time for candy, citizens.  Now is the time for fruit.  We've had eight years of candy, and now we must get back to our goddamned hot yoga class and eat our fruit leather.  

Even though, if I were a little kid, I'd probably go over to Rush Limbaugh's house, because I hear he gives out full-sized Butterfingers.  

A woman scorned.

Obama, don't come to me with that look on your face.  Don't sneak back across the aisle and deny where you've been. You just came home absolutely reeking of Republican, and I'm not really a jealous voter, but a woman's intuition is never wrong.  And my intuition tells me you're cheating.  

Know this: I will make your life a vivid fucking nightmare if I find out that you've even *thought,* for one moment, about getting in bed with another party.

This is our time, Obama.  This is you, and me, and the fucking life I've always wanted.  Hillary was a strong, dependable, smart, lovable candidate, and I left her standing at the altar so I could elope with *you.*  So if you turn out to be a spineless poindexter, or a scheming player, or both, I will end you.  I will.  End.  You.  

You'd better sack up, my lover, and quick.  You'd better pick me over Olympia Snow.  Because I'm about to start ripping up all the photos you ever sent me, and and then put the halves back up on my wall, and then tell everyone that last year I just voted for Biden.

I will throw your shit out on the lawn.  All the t-shirts, and the buttons, and the stickers, and the yellowing newspaper clippings.  They will be out on the lawn, along with one of my pumps.  Because I will have thrown it at your head.

Oh, it's shoe-throwing time.  Anytime anyone promises me health care and then slips out in the middle of the night to give a handie to Max Baucus across the street, deserves a 3-inch pump to the head.  I'm out on our lawn, in my bath robe.  It is on.  Maybe not at the beginning of this year, but now, it is on.

Afghanistan, fine.  I'll sit across the table from someone who escalates Afghanistan.  Bank deregulation amid the financial shitstorm... hmm.  I'll start wondering who exactly it was I connected the arrow for.  But health care?  HEALTH CARE?  You are going to look me in the eye and tell me that a public option isn't within your reach?  I will destroy everything you've ever loved.  I will make you wish you never, ever, courted the female vote.

Fear and Rove-ing in Ohio.

From somewhere in Ohio. A state that elected Obama.

God bless.

Courtesy of the lovely and talented Ed Flynn.

Thank you, David Cross.

I just saw David Cross perform tonight.  In a world of comics doing jokes about airline quirks or their least favorite beer, Cross is like a crazy hipster profit.  And the most interesting thing is, David Cross did do jokes about airline quirks and his least favorite beer.  And they were fucking hilarious, because he is smart as an ass-slap.  But he also did jokes about Health Care, and race hate, and Mormonism.  And he made them funny.

It's like, I'm not even sure I like stand up comedy as a genre.  But I love David Cross.  I've been a fan ever since I wandered into a record store many moons ago and the meatloaf-looking guy behind the counter was like, "oh, you're a comedian?  here's a DVD and a CD you'll need," and handed me Mr. Show and Shut Up You Fucking Baby.

In his set he can mix an electric scissors infomercial bit with a bit about George Bush eating live Jew Babies and then raising the Terror threat level as a distraction.  That's tops in my book.

Best Church of God Goes Gay for a Day. (AUDIO)

Mike Descoteaux, Founder and Director of the Best Church of God, took me along with him to the most fabulous talk radio show in the developed world:  Feast of Fun.  On the show we discussed our new fall run at the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago, the Bible's obsession with incest, and a masturbating ghost from southeast asia.

Hey!  Look at the website.

Listen up!  Here is the podcast.

Glancing Below:  don't we look pretty?  It would seem that they used Photoshop to enhance our natural glow, which is obviously a sin, as they made us look better than God intended us to look.  This will, however, be what we look like when we get to heaven.

DEATH-PAC Presents: WALK IT OFF. (VIDEO)

DEATH-PAC takes on Blue Cross.

OMG, you guys.  It's a great day for profit.

My satirical Political Action Committee, DEATH-PAC, went to the Chicago headquarters of Blue Cross / Blue Shield today, to help defend the tiny, little, helpless corporation from the onslaught of progressive tyranny, MoveOn.org.

We set up a Self-Care clinic, available to anyone who has had their claim denied, or who had their coverage rescinded, because Blue Cross was working hard to maintain their sweet profit margin.  

Protecting rich people is the American Way.  And you can bet: when I'm super rich, I'm going to be really glad I was out there protesting against me getting health care.

Video rendering as we speak!  Wait for it... wait...

DEATH-PAC Celebrates 9/12: Health Care Protest in Chicago

DEATH-PAC member Keith Gatchel was in attendance at the rally in Millenium park.  He bravely showed up to fight against public health care, even though he continues his fight with gangreen brought on by a mostly successful home leg amputation.

We were able to help the anti healthcare protesters stay on message:  let's work to keep America's corporations healthy and long-lived.

Photos taken by DEATH-PAC member Pat Barry, who was too ill with typhoid fever to be in front of the camera.

It's Lord of the Rings and Batman versus Tiny Tim.  It's a double-metaprotest.  Except something tells me the Gandalf people are being serious.  The Joker people too.  

Look!  It's our Dickensian others:  The Billionaires for Wealthcare.

These are the sorts of photos you learn to avoid posing for when you graduate from the Teabaggers Academy.

DEATH-PAC Celebrates 9/12: national day of GETTING SERVED.

Yeah, America!  Cop a squat, patriots.  It's time for the teabagging.

Death-PAC is on!  We're coming to you live from Millenium Park in fabulous Chicago Illinois.  If you see someone passing out this flyer, you know it's us.  Hopefully I'll have some graphics for you soon.  In the meantime, here is our super-secret list of talking points.

• We all know what happened when the government started a public option for mailing letters.  It forced all the private mail companies out of business.  I was alive when Fed Ex put the post office out of business.  We can’t have that happen with health care. 

• We don’t want your health care.  Give us a spoon, some rubbing alcohol and a box of dental floss.  It’s good enough for number 36, it’s good enough for number 37.

• Okay, so our infant mortality rate is the same as Malaysia.  If you want to make an omelette, you’re going to have to break some babies.

• It’s like, every time I come out of the emergency room, I feel like a million bucks.  Literally.

Health Care Protest: Let the people speak! -- #4

In which we discover that somebody broke piggie's glasses.

Health Care Protest: Let the people speak! -- #3

A journalist only gets one chance at a scoop like this...

Health Care Protest: Let the people speak! -- #2

There were a lot of baseball metaphors being levied to make an argument.  This was one of them.

Health Care Protest: Let the people speak! -- #1

The people want to speak, god damnit! Let them speak! Civic TV let's them. It's me, Skokie, and the vox populi. It's a great day for DEATH-PAC, and a great day for the people.

Cast Away #3.

Now that Hollywood has determined that I'm to be trusted, it has opened up a clear line of communication with me.  I receive coded messages from Hollywood like this one almost every day.  If only I could figure out what they want.

Role Role Type Gender/Age/Ethnicities Description/Note 18ish Ethnic Girl to play freshman in college for Speaking Role, NUDITY, SEX SCENE, EXPLICIT LANGUAGE Special Female / 18 to 25 / All Ethnicities, AfricanAm, Am-Indian, Asian, East-Ind, Hispanic, MidEastern, Mixed, PacificIsland 18ish Ethnic Girl to play freshman in college for Speaking Role, NUDITY, SEX SCENE, EXPLICIT LANGUAGE SAG, 2 lines, low budget scale, unknown work date

Let me see if I can parse this:  looking for someone 18, maybe ethnic, to swear and fuck on the cheap, sometime in the future but we don't know when.

Where do I sign up?

Health care protest 2: electric boogaloo.

And more. Even more to come.

Health care protest: uninsured and proud of it.

Photo from our satirical health care protest. Hoo rah.